How the Grunch Stole Frostwane
Written by Steve
Twas some days before Frostwane And all through Wiltspar Not a creature was dry eyed, Not even Aurifar
The citizens were gathered With respects to spend On dear Junior Officer, Their departed friend
Xerxes gave a sad sermon Which brought the whole crowd to tears; Tagg had a shield made For poor Hildar to hold near
Vance made an earth statue To honor BOJO Would it ease all their grief? The answer was "no."
And the five Platinum Talons, They had to leave early 'Cause their bunny bud Penelope Was acting quite squirrelly
Aurifar wanted their help, She said with a shrug So they took off for his place, No time for a hug
This all seemed familiar They started to fear To the time travel bullshit He started last year
He showed them a large journal; To him, the pages were blank; And he couldn't quite remember The thinkings he'd thank
The info dump was cut short By an eerie glow As the Talons disappeared Then landed in snow
They came to not in Wiltspar; This place was far colder Tagg knew it as west of Zaltara But much, much, much older
To find more information, They didn't stand still They travelled to a city The gate sign said "Whatsville"
They met Marion Whatmay, The mayor elect It was the year 205, The last time she had checked
Nineteen days until Frostwane A sign did declare The city was preparing Their festive frost Fair
"You must all stay for the fun," The major implored "For our Whatsville What-Ragers Will leave you all floored!"
At the thought of glad tidings, The party did melt For the trauma of that week Was heartily felt
A Frostwane holiday off! What a very rare treat! The Talons felt the Frost spirit From their heads to their feet!
Burgermeisters named "Meister"! Rosemary Reinsdeer! Brenden the Asshole Penguin! Green children to fear!
The team's memories warmed them With merry Frostwane cheer Though Tagg never remembered A city being here
A fiddler played carols By the local inn Vance tipped the player, Henrik Who winked with a grin
Sir Clarence Clarence Quattle Welcomed the Talons "Welcome to What Bringsya Inn!" Ale? They had gallons.
The bartender Simon had info For our brave team's next quest A fierce dragon to slay? No! A pie-baking contest!
Nokhi jumped at the prospect To test his chef's knife Against seven contestants, One, the mayor's wife!
So Nokhi and Vance took off To find a kitchen While the rest of the team had A time most bitchin'
The three played games at the fair; They gladly dove in While Nokes and Vance met Thelma: A cook with an oven
She gladly bade Nokhi share her tools of the trade And Nokhi was grateful to The new friend he had made
Xerxes wandered off To get a glass of water; He ran into an elf named Eudora And Magenta, her daughter
They were so proud of this town! The tourism was booming! The festival was successful! No recession was looming!
Then the Team reunited At the festival proper Where awesome prizes were won; Plus gold for their coffer!
Poisons were picked, and scoopings were scooped! A thousand gold was won Plus one free small soup!
Then Nokhi channeled His pie-making skills To make two tasty pastries Without any spills!
One for the contest- It was perfect and pleasant And one for his party, Who had the palates of peasants
In order to "aid" him In his bakerly burden Vance played a prank on him; Its objective uncertain
Scary footprints appeared All over the snow Conjured by Vance To frighten his bro
And frighten it did! Poor Nokes blew a gasket Only his strong heart Kept him out of a casket
His mischiefing managed Vance drew the group near, It was time for some shopping! They lacked souvenirs!
A group portrait would do! The idea sounded quite swell When it was pitched to them By the painter Norm Whatwell
The Talons did pose! The Talons did flex! When would it be ready? Why, the day after next!
As day turned to dusk The group started to flock To the site of the contest: The giant town clock
But there was no joy to be seen In flora nor fauna The mayor was bereft Where WAS her wife, Lana?
No pies could be judged Without her dear wife Continue without her? No, not on your life!
The Talons promised their help To find Whatmay's What-spouse Only one thing to do, Search through her What-house!
The sites that they saw caused their concern to grow One shoe was abandoned Next to footprints in snow
Inside was no better They saw with a frown Some object in the oven Nearly burned the place down
Lana's pie was the culprit, Burnt nearly to ash They needed to find her And find her quite fast!
The mayor wanted results And she wanted them now! So she called for the po-po, Constable Myron Whatnow!
"What do you know?" The cop asked the Talons Then Vance had a thought, Almost losing his balance
"I saw her before," The lad said, getting steady "When I tricked my pal Nokhi Into fearing for yeti"
He had seen her abscond She was in quite a hurry, But what was her purpose? The team started to worry
With Dr. Hoo and some lights The Talons took to the forest Where they heard a woman singing A cheery, eerie chorus
"Was it Whatsville's first lady?" Hoped Nokes, Drez, and Tagg Nope, just a creepy old woman Whom Vance clocked as a hag
To find poor Lana They would face quite a hurtle Bargaining with a witch Who said her name was Muhrtelle
Vance serenaded the woman, Nohki bribed her with pies "Where is the lost maiden?" "In the cavern she lies!"
Would the hag like to help them? She said "no I won't" "But if a song bids you do stuff I have one word, dear: DON'T"
Before setting out, Nokhi with nature communed "Find me Places and feys, Oh yeah, and animals, too!"
The spell did its best But without any flair, It merely found them the hag, Whatsville, and a bear
Their loins double girded, Their courage all found, The Talons located the spot, A spooky hole in the ground
Here they were all certain They'd find Lana that night But what they found instead Was a blazing white light
When next they awoke, it was many days later They were back at the Inn Squashed like a tomater
Two new faces they saw Quite free from all malice They were friends, they both assured Named Beauregard and Alys
They had teamed up with the Talons A few days ago past To kill a bad monster Who was stealing folks fast
They came from a village That had one sole survivor Their cart brought them to Whatsville But revenge was the driver.
They then found the Platinum Talons, All five fresh from defeat Alys and Beau plus a friend joined them For a smackdown repeat
But while numbers were gained, The results were the same, The Talons fled back to the inn With amnesia of brain
Now more people were missing, Lana, only the first Thelma and the blacksmith's son Also fell to the curse
The Talon's memory was foggy, They knew not who to trust, So Tagg looked in his bag Confirm their sad story he must!
It was there that he saw, peeking out of his pack The painting that was promised them, As dry as a tack!
It WAS days later, the sight did confirm But what Tagg saw next made his bugbear guts squirm
A skeletal figure, he saw in the frame Creeping behind them, Empty eye holes aflame
Why didn't they see it then? Only one man could tell They must look for the painter Mr. Norman Whatwell!
Downstairs they all bounded No more would they lose! They nearly collided with Simon Who was in need of a snooze
Clarence as well was looking quite poor Dark rings around eyes, He was sweeping the floor
Quite a mess lay before him Decorations smashed there on the floor If a What Trinket was shiny, It had been stolen right out the door
The only sign of their tormentor Clarence noted with fright Was an earsplitting scream That pierced through the night
But one last introduction Alys and Beauregard were saving; The last of their trio, And his name was Firez Kraven
Though the heroes were hurried, Drez stood stroking his chin And thought the man in front of them Looked an awful lot like him
Leaving the Inn, The Talons entered the square And much to their chagrin Constable Whatnow was there
The whole town was exhausted, And the cop had a hunch That the reason for why Was a monster…the Grunch
He was an eater of children The legends did say First he sang a sad song, Then he stole them away
And after he ate them, The beast worsened the hurt If you had memories of them He ate those for dessert
Fifteen days until Frostwane The Whatsville town sign said without glee For the four days that had passed The Whatsville population lost three
But time was awasting, to Whatwell's house they fled Yet the sight that awaited Filled their stout hearts with dread
Inside, the old man Barely heeded their calls; He was entirely obsessed with Painting figures on walls
What monsters were they? The crew had a hunch. Sightless eyes and a grin? It must be the Grunch!
Would they slay the foul beast? Or would they again have to leave? Perhaps not, it turns out Their friends had an ace up their sleeve
That Beauregard bloke Had a new weapon to wield It was the storied Warden's Sword And it matched the Talon's Shield
With those two weapons together, There was no way they could fail, They were off to kill the Grunch; All they needed was a trail
And a trail they did find In the form of stringed lights That were dragged through the city By a creature out of sights
Into the forest the team hustled Through the dark the lights shone Only Vance slowed down once To speak with the crone
"Will you help save the day?" Vance asked Muhrtelle with hope. The witch scratched her hag ass And then simply said "Nope."
With a sigh Vance left her Alone on her stump And joined his friends at the cave Feeling just like a chump
This time would be different! This time they had braced To look only at reflections Not the Grunch's cursed face
And music Vance would play On the lute brought along To drown out the strong magic Of the Grunch's sad song
Was this the moment of triumph That the Talons expected? Nope! They were KOed again, Something crucial neglected
Waking up, they were sore, Feeling ugly as sin Their eyes blinked open At the What Bringsya Inn
Alys, Firez and Beau gave them the deets They'd fucked up again, then collapsed into heaps
Having had enough, The Talons switched up the game All this trying and failing? It was getting quite lame
Go to the cavern again? Take beatings, take naps? No, they'd find a new way! Why hunt when there's traps?
They'd gather the Whatsvillians; To the clock tower they'd flit! Then have them sing songs To lure that Grunch piece of shit
The shiny ornaments would draw him The way horse poop draws flies The Talons would be ready to fire Once seeing the black of his eyes
The plan worked to a tee, Which they vigorously crossed With arrows, mauls, and magic; Grunch blood soon stained the cold frost
He was drawn to the team Like a calf to the slaughter Even Muhrtelle joined in Vance and the Frostwane spirit had caught her!
Vance lit the punk up with magic Nokhi followed with vines Drez filled him with holes Tagg bashed in his spine
Then Xerxes and Beau Brought their Warden weapons to bear Sending the Grunch to another dimension No one gave a fuck where
And on that special Frostwane, There came a heart-wrenching sound Vance sang a dirge for Whatsville While robbing its Lost and its Found
For though there was vengeance, The lost lives were not retrieved Would this be a lasting victory Or just a temporary reprieve?
The sudden appearance of a stranger Soon provided the answer A shady man named Morningstar Said the Grunch would return like a cancer
But before more could be asked The Talons disappeared in a poof! Reappearing in Wiltspar Under Aurifar's own roof
Did they solve the Grunch riddle? They poured over the book The pages were still jumbled, no matter how hard they looked
As for that jerk Morningstar? Aurifar did know the name Though he shared nothing more; He would not give up the game
Was there more in the book? The Talons read further It was slightly untangled To a dark tale of murder
The words "Dark Blessed" Appeared in the text Along with the word "Nothing." And nothing came next.
You readers wanted a tale of merriment But instead you found woe Still, as Brenden the asshole penguin would say: "Hey, Fuck your feelings, bro!"